"Birthday Sex" is like this, huh?

I first heard about "Birthday Sex" in Rolling Stone. I don't usually seek out this sort of music. But apparently, ever since this single broke, the women have been all over Jeremih. These foxy ladies, it seems, go out of the way to seek out the young fellow and tell him that, in fact, it is THEIR birthday.

Because he's apparently that good.

Wait a minute.

What the hell kind of name is Jeremih? How do you even pronounce that? Is his name actually Jeremy, and he felt like mixing it up a little? Or is it Jeremiah, and he thought it would be cooler if he removed a letter?

Let's check Wikipedia. Oh. Apparently that actually IS his name.

Anyway, he released "Birthday Sex" back in March. It peaked at #4. So, this is a pretty popular song. (Incidentally, try searching for it on YouTube - apparently they don't allow "sex" as a keyword, or at least it won't show up in the auto-complete.)

But is it any good? You know how this goes. Let's give it a little run-through:

- Get out the video camera. He's going to film the action. Sweet. (0:00)

- Plinking synths? Check. (0:00) You know, for some reason, I'm reminded of this.

- Autotuned vocals? Check (a little more subdued than some - more Akon than T Pain). (0:18)

- Bizarre stutter on the phrase "ride out"? Check. (0:20) Oh, great. He does this throughout the entire song, at the end of practically every line. Get used to it.

- Gotta get that title in there somewhere. Eh, screw it - I'll just half speak it, half sing it. Awkwardly. No one will care. (1:08)

- Oh man, he just said "G-Spot." Jeremih is such a ladies man. (1:19)

- Stock "romantic" imagery, because you've got to make this sexy. We've got strawberries, champagne, cherries, shots of the bed from every possible angle, and of course, just about every other shot features hands running over a body. (the entire video)

And that's it. A minute and a half into the song, and there's nothing more to see.

But wait a minute. I mean, Jeremih is a true poet. In order to truly appreciate his work, we need to go to his lyrics. Because, naturally, the song is only a vehicle.

Alright, fine - let's have a look at the lyrics:

Get ready for action, don't be astounded
We switchin' positions, you feel so rounded
Tell me where you want your gift, girl

Girl, you know I don't need candles and cake
Just need your body to make birthday sex

We ridin' with passion 'cause it's your birthday
Been at it for hours, I know you thirsty
You kiss me so sweetly, taste just like Hershey's

Well, that's certainly. . . generic.

I mean seriously, what the hell? Take away the airy "I'm going to bend you over the kitchen sink" production, and this shit isn't even poetry. The rhymes are terrible. "Birthday" with "thirsty" and "Hershey's"? You can't do sight rhyme in a song, Jeremih. And it's not even really that.

Honestly, this song is just plain sloppy. The lyrics are the same cliched shit that's in every other "bedroom" R&B song from the last five years.

We get it already. Jeremih is a true gentleman. It's your birthday, and damnit, he's going to make sure you have to spend the next year in a wheelchair. The man is a fucking machine. He'll stuff you full of strawberries and champagne, and then, well. . . you've seen the video.

But is this song really hit material? I think you can probably guess my answer.

Is it too much to ask for an original song every now and then? I know it's a quick grab to go for the cheap-and-easy. Teenage girls (and plenty of not-so-teenage girls) absolutely devour this shit. It's a guaranteed market.

But can we at least hear some new tricks? A different vocal effect?

Producers: I think 2/3 of the world is absolutely fucking sick of autotune. It strips all the soul from vocals. I can't even tell if these artists can sing at all without the software evening out their intonation. I'm willing to bet most of them can't.

Oh, and Jeremih? Please don't ever try to make birthday sex with candles and a cake. I know you were only trying to be clever, but that's just disgusting.