"Crabcore" sounds like a venereal disease

What the hell is this?

I seriously can't tell what I'm listening to here. Let's do a little run-through:

- Downtuned, single note chugga-chugga riffing? Check (0:07)

- Dark, low choir of male voices buried in the mix? Check. (0:20)

- Oh look, it's T Pain! Check. (0:36)

- High, emocore-style scream vocals? Check. (0:59)

- Atonal hardcore breakdown with more downtuned riffing? Check. (1:14)

- Style changes EVERY 30 SECONDS with a full stop in the music each time to catch your attention? Check. (like I said - every 30 seconds)

- Little piano flourishes? Uh...check. (1:42)

- SECOND breakdown followed by a ridiculous scream that drags on forever? Check. (2:24)

- Midnight rave in tight pants! Sweet! Check. (2:46)

Okay, so let's be real here: what the hell kind of music is this? We've got hardcore and metaly riffs, scream vocals, auto-tuned vocals, pop-punk-type power chord choruses, moody piano and strings, and some trance.

The song is kind of catchy at times. But it's an absolute mess. I feel like the band wandered into the studio with five songs they just couldn't finish, and rather than work them into a coherent track with flow and pacing, they mashed it all together and produced pure chaos. Just when the song starts to find a groove, and I actually grow accustomed to the sounds I'm hearing, the music stops and something entirely different begins. Some bands can kind of make this work, but even then, it's still at best mildly annoying.

And then there's the whole matter of, you know, actually playing it live.

I'm not usually one to make this observation, because I've recorded plenty of music that I, myself, cannot play live. But I don't have a band. And I'm not playing shows.

These guys are.

And the thing is, there's no way they could EVER include half the elements on this track in a performance. Watch that live clip for a bit. Hear the auto-tuned backing vocals? Notice anyone actually SINGING them?

They're part of the backing track.

Which is fine. You don't need to be a touring musician in order to make music. But ATTACK ATTACK! is touring. They play this song live.

It doesn't sound a thing like the studio recording. And you know what? I didn't even have to watch a video to find that out. The production of the song alone made it very clear to me.

You know you've got a problem when your fans, searching for a way to define you as a band, turn not to your music, but to the way you and your bandmates crouch like you're trying to shit in the woods when you're playing your instruments. That is not a joke:

"Unlike almost all other genres and sub-genres of music, crabcore is defined not by aural motifs, tones, lyrical content, or specific instrument ensembles; but rather by physical gesticulations and contortions of the arms and legs of individual band members during live performances of their music."

This song is named "Stick Stickly." You read that correctly. Stick. Stickly.

I can't really fault them for the name. I don't know what I'd call this song. Let's read the lyrics for inspiration:

We live for what He's worth,
And that's more than you'll know.
He died for what He loved,
And what he loved was you.

This is the time to let yourself go,
Lord pick me off the ground,
You never said this would be simple,
So pull me in and turn around.

You know, I actually didn't see that one coming. I couldn't understand most of what they were singing, so I never picked up on the fact that this is a Christian song.

So, let's run through this again. We've got ourselves a good old-fashioned Christian screamo, metalcore, pop, punk, techno song. Named "Stick Stickly."

I give up.

I still think "crabcore" sounds like a venereal disease.

(UPDATE: Did you catch the terrifying split-second shot of that girl around 1:14? Holy. Shit.)