On exploiting the audiophile sector

I am not an audiophile. Just thought I'd get that out of the way.

I listen to 192 - 256kbps rate mp3s through a pair of $7 earbuds. My "good" headphones (and they really are very decent) that I use to produce my recordings cost $120. I do not own any vinyl. I am perfectly happy with playing burned CDs in my car.

And you know what else?

I don't "treat" my CDs with fucking magic gel. I don't spend $300 on power cords to keep my signal "pure" and "clean." I carry my CDs around in a beat-up metal case that rattles around in the back seat of my car. Every so often, I have to burn a new copy of an album because the original has become too scratched. I never keep original CDs in my car. I tried that once, and it didn't end well. Sorry, Hysteria.

Guess what? I enjoy my music just fine. In fact, you might say I delight in it.

But some people simply aren't content with that. They require much, much more. And that, my friends, has opened up a Pandora's Box that really should have been kept shut.

The fact that P.T. Barnum never actually said "there's a sucker born every minute" doesn't make it any less true. People will literally believe anything. Audiophiles are no exception.

But what IS an audiophile, you ask? Why, what a coincidence: I've got an answer for you right here. In brief, from Wikipedia:

"An audiophile, from Latin audio^[1] "I hear" and Greek philos^[2] "loving," is a hobbyist, identified by their love for music, or use of high-end audio electronics."

What that really means in common English is that an audiophile is a person willing to spend enormous sums of money on completely useless shit. They will then proceed to explain to you how said shit has completely changed the way they listen to music - and clearly anyone with discerning ears will feel the same way. Sound familiar?

But I'm not knocking audiophiles. Well, maybe a little. But not really.

Granted, I think their hobby is an absolute waste of money. But it's their money. Go on - spend away. I'll try not to be offended by your conspicious consumption.

What really bothers me is that the companies selling this audiophile gear are complete swindlers. They rely on the pride and gullibility of their customers to turn a profit. They cultivate loyalty, and in return for that devotion charge $21,000 for 3 meters of speaker cable. That is not a typo. $21,000 for 3 METERS OF SPEAKER CABLE. Read that sentence a few times - really let it sink in. That's more than twice what I paid for my car. That's a substantial down-payment on a house. For a cable.

There are dozens of companies dedicated to selling overpriced copper wire wrapped in enormous insulators to make it seem more valuable than it really is.

And the scary thing is, that isn't even the tip of the iceberg.

You see, up until this point, all of my examples have been actual gear. Overpriced, but gear nonetheless. Sure, we all know the speaker wire isn't worth $21,000, but we do know it does SOMETHING. That much is fairly obvious.

But the audiophile market gets much, much worse than that.

Be careful with that site I just linked. The man behind that curtain is the witchdocter of audiophile junk. His name is Peter Belt, and he has his own school of thought regarding the experience of listening to music. I'm serious. These are not mainstream views we're talking about. This is full-out mysticism.

And of course, being the good samaritan that he is, Peter decided to share his knowledge with the great unwashed in the form of "useful" trinkets. Watch your heads, kids - we're going straight down the rabbit hole here.

Take a look at some of the products P.W.B. Electronics offers. I mean REALLY take a look. And don't let the word "electronics" in their name confuse you. There are no electronics here. Oh no. But what they do have is much better:

- White spiral wrapping for you to apply to all of your power cords. Because, apparently the white color neutralizes "adverse energy patterns."

- A red pen that you can use to write "beneficial messages" on your CDs prior to listening to them. They suggest "Your Name > O.K."

- A cream that can be applied to "virtually any surface" with "beneficial effects." It is, of course, very difficult for them to produce, and will remain expensive for the foreseeable future.

And then, we've got the granddaddy of all audiophile "tweaks." Brace yourself, folks:

- The Quantum Clip is a device "capable of manipulating certain inanimate material into a condition that mimics the quantum state of our living senses."

Well, that certainly is amazing - if indecipherable. Let's have a look at it and see exactly what it is, then.

It's...an alligator clip with a piece of wire attached to the end of it. And you use it in conjunction with a pair of tweezers. Did I mention this thing costs $830? They actually let you take out an INSTALLMENT PLAN on it. Interest-free. Because, you know, they really just want to help you.

Want to get a better look at Peter Belt's magical land of mystery? Request a free sample of their "Silver Rainbow Foil." You can find the instructions on their main page. You send them an email with your name and address, and in a couple of weeks you get...a foil sticker. That contains "a computer program" designed to improve the quality of your music if you stick a tiny sliver on each of your CDs, records, or cassette tapes.

You know, it's funny, because the other day I was in a craft store, and I found a package of sticker sheets that looked EXACTLY THE SAME. But that must be some sort of coincidence, right?

Audiophile gear is serious business. No one is trying to cheat anybody. People are simply paying good money for quality products. If anything, they're getting a hell of a deal.

The sad thing is, the swindlers have won. The customers are happy. There are glowing reviews. Just look. They aren't hard to find.

The emperor is naked. And you know what? Nobody cares. They're too busy saving for that tube motherboard to make their mp3s sound that much closer to perfection.