Eve's New Masterpiece, "Me N My (Up in the Club)"

Sometimes I don't know why I read Rolling Stone. Maybe it's for the exposure - I really don't have time to keep track of new music, and reading RS at least gives me some names and titles to work with. And some of the articles are amusing.

I certainly don't read it for advice on what to listen to. 90% of the time, the reviews are completely off-base. They wax superlative on the cheapest drivel, and every entry on their "hot list" reads like adjective soup.

But there's meaning hidden in each review - a code, if you will. And I've cracked it.

So, when I read something like this:

"Finally Eve gets a beat as hot as she is! Over a deranged, ketamine-riffic dubstep riddum, she rhymes about bitches in the VIP."

I know I need to listen to this song immediately. Because it's going to be fucking horrible. I'm about to listen to a beat so sick, so sweet, it's like taking a dog anesthetic. Awesome.

Well, since we're committed to listening to this thing, let's man up and do it. I think I'll attack this song with a good old-fashioned check-list:

- Repetitive, three-note synth riff? Check (0:00 - 0:26). Okay, seriously - this is easily the most boring thing I've listened to in a very long time. We've got a tone that's 100% midrange honk, a rhythm that stutters and skips around . . . and that's it. The intro is 30 seconds of that. And it runs under the entire song. You'd better get used to it.

(I'd like to note here that dubstep is a type of electronic music from the UK. This particular song swipes huge portions of a song called "E Trips" by Benga.)

- Boring, straightforward drum loop? Check (0:28 - 0:35). Three kicks and a snare hit. Thin, wimpy samples. Is that really the best you can come up with? Well, honestly, it's better than what comes next.

- Vocals that say "I really don't give a shit?" Check (0:35 - the rest of the song). Almost all popular music rides on the strength of the vocal track. That's the reason why three-chord punk songs and drum-and-bass rap still exist: the vocals make the familiar fresh again. Each artist brings their own style to the table. Emotion and intensity draw the listener in. We need to be engaged, or else we quickly become bored. But Eve doesn't even try. Hell, SHE sounds bored. Her rhymes are lazy, noncommital, and disinterested. I can picture her sitting in the studio, glancing at the clock on her cell phone every five minutes, waiting for the session to be over. Great work, Eve - you get a gold star for coming to class. Now put down your hand. No, it's okay. Susan knows the answer. It's okay if you don't understand. Just sit down and we'll get you some apple juice and graham crackers.

- Truly inspired lyrics? Check (the entire song). I mean, there are lyrics, and then there are LYRICS. These, my friends, are the latter. Observe:

Me n my bitches up in the club
Me n my bitches up in the club
Actin' like we hot, posin' up for thugs
Actin' like we hot, posin' up for thugs
Never knew a bitch like you could dance
Never knew a bitch like you could dance
Dance (come on) dance (come on)
Dance (come on) dance (come on)

I'm not even going to joke about this one anymore. This is just a terrible song. Completely awful. The beat is bland and uninteresting. The delivery is flat and devoid of emotion. The lyrics are beyond ridiculous.

And did I mention the damn thing goes on FOREVER? How many times do I need to hear the phrase "me n my bitches up in the club?" How about fifty? Do I hear one hundred?

This song should never have been made. The sad thing is, it's probably already a hit.