On the Jonas Brothers and "Burnin' Up"

Everybody rags on the Jonas Brothers. It's probably the "you came from the Disney Channel" and "your primary audience is composed of 13-year-old girls" factors coming into play here. Just a guess, though.

Anyway, they have a little song called "Burnin' Up." It's got close to 71 million views on Youtube. That's kind of a lot - I guess you could say that it's popular. Care to take a listen?

Oh, and before I start, I just want to say that I am NOT going to say anything about the video. Yes, it's terrible - but that has nothing to do with the song. I will say, though, that I liked it better when the Beastie Boys did it.

Well, I suppose now is as good a time as any to begin. Let's do this:

The first thing we get to hear is some lovely S Club 7 -style pop guitar and synth riffing (0:27). Sweet! That's exactly the sort of thing I look for in a rock song. Of course, since it's only the intro, these phat licks quickly segue into something else.

The verse (0:29) is, to put it bluntly, boring. There's literally nothing happening. You've got a descending four-chord progression of power chords, a bass that follows it to the letter, and some thin drumming. I'll get to the vocals in a second - for now, let's just focus on the music.

Is this really the best arrangement they could come up with? Cheap Trick (who the Jonas Brothers are apparently heirs to) had a lot more going on in their music. Still simple - but notice how there's actually something to listen to? This is pop rock, not astrophysics. You need to keep it interesting.

The chorus (0:48) brings back the sick licks from the ever-so-brief intro. At this point, the Jonas Brothers have completely lost me. We've gone from light-rock minimalism to. . .I really don't know what to call this. Seriously - would it kill them to add a little punch to the song? You're holding GUITARS. Play something! No, not that. Play something interesting.

And then there are the vocals. You know what? They sound like Bert and Ernie imitating Prince. Every single syllable is over-enunciated until it's closer to parody than genuine emotion. Some of it is honestly ridiculous. Listen to the little exchange at 1:23 (the "red dress" line and the backing vocal after it). What the hell? That's the sort of thing that normally ends up in the outtake bin, not in the actual song. And the falsetto bits aren't any better. It's as if they learned how to sing by listening to Weird Al Yankovic.

After that, the song goes into autopilot for a while. Oh, it gets worse - some of the singing is truly cringe-worthy - but it's nothing you haven't already heard in the first two verses.

And then, we get to the worst bridge/breakdown/fake chorus (2:04) I've ever heard. I don't even know what to call it, but it's awful. When I was a kid, I had one of those $20 keyboards that only let you hold down two keys at a time. It had a handful of preset drum loops. One of them was called "Conga" - and it sounded exactly like the percussion during this part of the song. That isn't a good thing. We aren't even talking general MIDI -level quality here.

At this point, you're probably thinking you've heard everything "Burnin' Up" (note the missing "g") has to offer. On my first listen, I did. I stopped before I go to the 2:30 mark. Honestly, I was just sick of the song.

But that was a mistake.

You see, there's a very special bit near the end that I never even knew was there. And it's fucking amazing. Wait for it.

Around 2:37, the huge black guy from the intro makes a cameo. Rapping. If you can really call it that. The Jonas Brothers shout out call and response vocals while the Cookie Monster raps about nothing in particular. He even gets the best line in the entire song:

We got JB
Layin' it down
Come on, boys
Bring the chorus around

If that isn't poetry, I don't know what is.

You know what? I was wrong. This is the best song recorded in the last decade. Go out and buy all the albums the Jonas Brothers have ever made.

Besides, I hear Disney really needs the cash.